Whatevs.

Writing for me is a mess. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

Interestingly enough, I write in my head all day long. I think of points, sermons, funny anecdotes, books, thoughts that run amuck all day long…whether I want them to or not. 

But getting me to put it down on this blog… well, that’s the challenge.

I want to write it down. I know you are waiting with baited breath for me to write it down. But alas, the thoughts stay jumbled in my head.

I fear what you think. I fear what you would say. Mainly, I fear what goes on in my head.  Crazy. Silly. Not smart enough. Not like so and so. Not good enough.

So instead of writing here, I chuck it to the wind. I say whatevs.

But I want to write. I read books on how to write. I think in my head all day long the things I want to say here. I make mental notes what to blog on; as well as, keep a long tallied list of the things that are in me that I want to say.

But then, I don’t.

Whatevs.

Starting Again

I haven’t written in about 2 months. I’ve been terrified. Terrified to write. To feel. To express. I started feeling like what I had to say was irrelevant. That I was irrelevant. And that if I didn’t have some awesomely deep life changing writing, that I should just, NOT. I started am believing the lie that I am too simple, unworthy, not smart; and only the deep thinkers and wordy wordsmiths should write. As I read other blogs, I started comparing their blogs to me as a person and my worth. Basically, I started believing that if the world doesn’t love my blog, then they don’t love me, which means, i’m unlovable.

But then I remembered, I am who I am.

Simple. Beautiful Mess. Tender hearted. Lover. Fixer. Over-thinker. Doubter. Silly. Mercy giver. Compassionate. Loyal. Jesus Freak. Renaissance Woman. Feeler.

Oh! What a feeler I am. Just make it stop, or at least give a girl a break sometimes.

And the list could go on. But here’s the thing. I love to write. It’s always been a passion of mine. So from now on, I need to write for me. The silly, mundane, ridiculous, deep, Jesus centered, or just plain ole silly pop culture nonsense. If I want to write about it, I don’t need to worry about who’s reading it. Because honestly, I’m writing it for me. To get out all the thoughts in my head. Those randomly, deep, silly, important and oh so Raelynn things. And if you are here reading this, welcome to my world. It will be what it is. Silly or not, life changing or not, deep thoughts or not, it’s just me. And, I say it a lot, but I’m embracing me.

I will be on this journey of embracing all my life. But definitely, right now, it’s top on my list…not to be afraid of me. Embrace me. Love me.

And with that, I will start again – this writing process.

“One of the gifts of being a writer is that it gives you an excuse to do things, to go places and explore. Another is that writing motivates you to look closely at life, at life as it lurches by and tramps around.” Anne Lamott