You Should Know (Vol 2)

Grief is a beast. And it can sneak up on you anywhere, anytime, however it chooses. You can be driving along in your car and break out in uncontrollable sobs. The ugly cry. The deep soul groaning’s that only grief can give you. Or you can be sitting at your desk and have tears start falling down your face like a rushing waterfall. Not fun when you’re in the front office. Maybe you’re laughing and joking around with friends, and then out of nowhere the deep laughter turns into heart wrenching aches deep within that manifests itself again in unruly blubbering. It doesn’t help that I’m already a weeper and feeler. So when these moments happen, I’m finding, there is nothing you can do but lean in to it, embrace it, be in THE moment. Because the longer you shove them down, they just come back at you stronger, harder, and again at those most unfortunate times. Even still I’m learning that God is with me in those moments. He’s walking along with me because He knows the grief will end and bring new life. I used to be afraid of grief. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I didn’t want to deal with “the why” of the grief. I’m learning to not be so afraid. Grief will grow you, shape you, and make you a stronger person.

Fear. Oh fear. Such a tricky little bastard. Yeah, I said it. Fear has been prevalent in my life for so long. Keeping me from being me. Keeping me from my dreams. No, actually, keeping me from dreaming. Fear is always there, lurking, trying to tell me everything I’m not and what I can’t do. I’m not listening to fear anymore. Fear has no power over me. Oh, but he is there. Trying to trick me in to believing his lies so I will stay paralyzed. Fear knows that if I give myself over to it, then I will not move forward in my destiny, in the plans and purposes that God has for me. My God is bigger than any fear I have, so instead I’m choosing to remind myself that with God all things are possible. I’m learning to tune my ears to God’s whispers. Because God’s whispers are so much more powerful than fears shoutings.

The need to be silent is still with me. Trust me, there are many times I want to shout back and state my case. Defend my name. Stand up for me. Fight for you. But God has told me to hold my tongue. To remain silent. To remain in Him. Because in the silence, I am learning so much more about Him, His character, His love for me. I’m also learning about myself. What a concept?! It’s in the silence that you make room for growth because you aren’t filling up your mind with distractions. Truth prevails in silence. I’ve been following Him as He leads me to those still waters, so He can indeed restore my soul. But for that restoration to happen, I need to quit trying to distract myself with noise, and remain in silence. Only then can I hear Him. And be open to truth.

SIMPLE IS POWERFUL!!

Forgiveness is a mighty thing to give; but even mightier to receive. I’ve been pondering on forgiveness. Not to forgive only with my words, but also with my heart. It’s a work in progress. I’ll get there. Sometimes, the words are spoken because we do forgive in our minds and with our words; and then the heart part of forgiveness comes along and then it’s sealed. Done. Forgiven. As far as the east is from the west. Not just in our minds and words, but with every ounce of our being. FYI: I can forgive you, easily. However, I’m not so gracious and forgiving with myself. I am my own worst enemy. Forgiveness is key to my healing. I’m understanding that forgiveness is heavy, weighty, life giving, and so much bigger and broader than I understand. I’m excited to learn more about what true forgiveness is; and not just what I want it to be because it will make me feel better.

When things get all discolored, scarred, and scary, rest in knowing that GOD IS GOOD…all the time. And though you might not be able to see it, He is working on your behalf. And mine. I’m believing that more and more every day.

JESUS LOVES YOU!

Emotions: Grief (the beginning)

I’ve been reading “The Walk” series with Kelly. It’s basically about a physical, emotional, and spiritual journey of a man who lost everything–literally, everything; and how he deals with those losses and moves forward. I’ve enjoyed them and am in the middle of book 4 in the 5 book series. Recently, I was reading a section where he was dealing with grief. And it opened my eyes up to an area in my life where I realize that even though i’ve forgiven, dealt with the outcome of certain losses and disappointments in my life, I still have some hurts from them that are larger than they should be. And after I read the quote on grief, I understood why.

“Grief isn’t a luxury, it’s an appropriate response to loss.
You don’t just will it away. If you allow it to run it’s course, it will fade with time,
but if you ignore it or pretend it didn’t exist, it only gets worse.”

After reading that, I had one of those Oprah ‘aha moments’ she always talks about. You know, when the light bulb comes on and it just clicks in your soul. I realized that even though I’ve gone through prayer and forgiveness for some hurts and losses that I’ve experienced in my life, I never truly dealt with the grief of the experience. I’m one of those people known as a “stuffer” with my own* feelings. I start experiencing the feeling, then stuff it down and slap on a little bandaid over the wound and go on. Basically, I smile and say, “it’s all alright” and ignore it. And while that has been a great survival technique for these many years of my life, let’s just say…it’s caught up with me. And grief is demanding to be felt and walked through. Yuck! But, I see that grief is indeed an appropriate response to loss. Whatever those losses may be: death, job, friends, family, even loss of self. The list of loss can go on and is so individual to each of us; but the point is, loss is loss and there is a grief that comes and must be dealt with from our losses and hurts. And it’s important that we face it and walk through the stages of grief so that we can move forward. More importantly, we allow it to run its course, so it doesn’t grow and fester and become worse. It will always catch up with you.

I’m trying to work through these emotions of grief. I’ve ignored them for so long. This is a long road, but one I’m ready and willing to go through. Though it hurts, at times more than the pain that first got it there, I know that this is the best step for me to truly move forward in freedom. Not sure where I’ll go from here, other than experience it in its full depth and authenticity. Easier said than done, but I’m ready to start. I’m sure I will be revisiting grief again in future blog posts as I walk out this part of my journey.

*I can feel for you all day long, but dealing with myself and what i’m feeling inside…that’s scary stuff.