uhh…

I haven’t written on here since August of 2015!!! That means… not even one little bitty silly nonsensical post in 2016.

Seriously?

Seriously!

Seriously.

I also currently have 6 drafts that I never posted. I’m assuming because I never felt like they were ‘finished’ or ‘good enough’. I just read through them. Not bad. And some still ringing true.

Why do we beat ourselves up? Why can’t we just, BE?

At my current pace, this could be the only post in 2017.

I hope not.

But, more than likely, this is it. Yet, I’ll do my best to try.

I. Will. TRY!

Who knows, friends? Who knows?

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Change

I love hate change. There’s no way around it. I love it, but I hate it too. Passionately, on both sides. Change makes my eye twitch and can even, at times, make me break out in hives. Even now while i’m typing this, I feel all twitchy. I don’t like talking about change because that means I’ll have to accept the reality of what it is. Change is inevitable. And sometimes it’s a slow moving process that you look back at and say, “oh, I didn’t even know”; but you feel and see how change was just a slow moving enriching process on your journey. But then at times, it comes at you like a freight truck and runs you over before you even know what happened and you’re left there with the carnage. Sounds extreme, but that’s how it is at times. At least for me.

I’ve been going through a season of change. I say season, because it’s been with me for awhile now. I’d say for the last 6 months change has come at me like a spider monkey, screeching and demanding I take notice while it hooks on to me. I’ve been great at ignoring that little, but oh so present, spider monkey. Or, rather, avoiding. Again, the twitchy thing! But, I’m at a place where I just can’t avoid anymore. Avoiding was fun and carefree for awhile…okay, not really, as it was rough often; but where I am right now, that will not work for me anymore. Avoidance. It’s not good for me, it’s not good for those I love, and it’s really not what God would want from me. He wants me to face it bravely and honestly. He sees it for what it is…just more chapters in my story. And I’d like to tell you I’m brave and honest…but not so much. Well, I’ll be honest with you, but not so honest with myself.

In reality, change is going to unfold new adventures full of happiness, laughter, hope, joy, discovery…but also it brings sadness, loss, devastation…shall I go on? Basically, there’s good and there’s bad to change. I’m realizing now, it’s how I react to that change is key. Am I avoiding, kicking, screaming, saying NO?! Or am I leaning in to it; the good with the bad, and realizing that this movement of change is all part of my story. And I can try to flee from change, but it will always be there. I can run away, but one way or another, i’ll run right back in to it.

So for now, this is just a short post on change, because I’m still wrapping my mind around it fully. I have so many thoughts not put together. Change is here. But it doesn’t mean that things are ending. I don’t need to be so gloom and doomy about it. But rather see the beauty that unfolds: how I change, how people change and how we react to those changes. And I’m going to learn to embrace the beautiful mess and uncomfortable feelings I have associated with it. In those uncomfortable moments, we have some of the sweetest life lessons. Change doesn’t mean BAD, it means a new chapter in the story. And what a beautiful novel I am. You are. We are.

Accept the work of the Holy Spirit in your life.
Accept the journey you are on.
Accept the story that is changing.
~Graham Cooke

Netflix Haze

Hello. My name is Raelynn. And I’ve been in a Netflix haze for a few months now. I’ve watched a plethora of movies, sitcoms, sagas, documentaries, reality shows, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. It’s part of my avoidance of those 6 blog drafts that I referred to in my last post. It goes something like this: I come home with intentions to write. So I open the computer. Write more words down on those things i’ve been thinking on. (okay, more like analyzing to death). Then when I can’t figure it out to completion…I say, forget it, then watch another episode of Park and Rec. Or whatever series I’m on to at the time.

The haze has been good for me. It’s also created a bad habit of escape. Now don’t get me wrong, escaping is good for a bit. But, i’m realizing it’s time to quit escaping and face life head on. There’s so much to discover. So much healing to receive. So much beauty to observe. So many adventures to be had. So much life to live. It’s time to quit escaping and jump on board with life.

Netflix haze…I think it’s time we break up. The world is my oyster. The night is a puppy, so I must get to it.

Right after I finish this one last episode……

Currently…

  • Listening: Birds singing, crickets chirping and the leaves on trees rustling as I sit on the patio at the Rudd’s. Oh and I think a firework just went off. I hope it was a firework anyway!!  
  • Eating: Cinnamon sugar tortilla 
  • Drinking: Gin & Tonic, my new favorite go to drink
  • Wearing: Barebones T-shirt and comfy-loose-baggy-get lost in them-sweatpants
  • Feeling: Calm, pensive
  • Weather: 78 degrees and mostly cloudy ~~ Why the patio is heaven right now
  • Wanting: a hot stone massage, and to dream again
  • Needing: a lot more Jesus and someone to talk to
  • Thinking: I’m always thinking…my brain NEVER stops ~~ but right now, present thoughts are directed towards Halen’s baby shower tomorrow and about journaling my thoughts (so i’m not always thinking…i’ve got to get this balanced) and my prayers. 
  • Enjoying: The lightening that brightens the dark sky and having time to myself in the silence ~~ well, silence with the symphonic sounds of birds, crickets and leaves
  • Reading: “Step of Faith” from the walk series 

Emotions: Grief (the beginning)

I’ve been reading “The Walk” series with Kelly. It’s basically about a physical, emotional, and spiritual journey of a man who lost everything–literally, everything; and how he deals with those losses and moves forward. I’ve enjoyed them and am in the middle of book 4 in the 5 book series. Recently, I was reading a section where he was dealing with grief. And it opened my eyes up to an area in my life where I realize that even though i’ve forgiven, dealt with the outcome of certain losses and disappointments in my life, I still have some hurts from them that are larger than they should be. And after I read the quote on grief, I understood why.

“Grief isn’t a luxury, it’s an appropriate response to loss.
You don’t just will it away. If you allow it to run it’s course, it will fade with time,
but if you ignore it or pretend it didn’t exist, it only gets worse.”

After reading that, I had one of those Oprah ‘aha moments’ she always talks about. You know, when the light bulb comes on and it just clicks in your soul. I realized that even though I’ve gone through prayer and forgiveness for some hurts and losses that I’ve experienced in my life, I never truly dealt with the grief of the experience. I’m one of those people known as a “stuffer” with my own* feelings. I start experiencing the feeling, then stuff it down and slap on a little bandaid over the wound and go on. Basically, I smile and say, “it’s all alright” and ignore it. And while that has been a great survival technique for these many years of my life, let’s just say…it’s caught up with me. And grief is demanding to be felt and walked through. Yuck! But, I see that grief is indeed an appropriate response to loss. Whatever those losses may be: death, job, friends, family, even loss of self. The list of loss can go on and is so individual to each of us; but the point is, loss is loss and there is a grief that comes and must be dealt with from our losses and hurts. And it’s important that we face it and walk through the stages of grief so that we can move forward. More importantly, we allow it to run its course, so it doesn’t grow and fester and become worse. It will always catch up with you.

I’m trying to work through these emotions of grief. I’ve ignored them for so long. This is a long road, but one I’m ready and willing to go through. Though it hurts, at times more than the pain that first got it there, I know that this is the best step for me to truly move forward in freedom. Not sure where I’ll go from here, other than experience it in its full depth and authenticity. Easier said than done, but I’m ready to start. I’m sure I will be revisiting grief again in future blog posts as I walk out this part of my journey.

*I can feel for you all day long, but dealing with myself and what i’m feeling inside…that’s scary stuff. 

it’s the silly things….

…that can bring a wee bit of joy. So, on my walk tonight, I successfully sang the entire song, “Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj. Y’all that ain’t easy. Seriously, you try whipping out…

“This one is for the boys with the boomin’ system,
Top down, AC with the coolin’ system,
When he come up in the club, he’ll be blazin’ up,
Got stacks on deck like he savin’ up.
and he ill, he real, he might got a deal,
He pop bottles and he got the right kind of bill”

… in super fast rap. It’s hard. But, now, I’m ready to hit the karaoke club. Who’s with me? 

However, the point of this silly little post is as follows….

  1. it’s just silliness
  2. sometimes we, umm, i mean, I,  need to NOT be so serious all the time. I need to laugh, be silly, let things go and just be down right goofy every now and then. The serious stuff is always there; so, it’s okay to take a reprieve. 
  3. Live, laugh, love and sing silly songs