I have about 6 different blog post drafts that I am trying to get out of my head. Problem is I am a bit of a perfectionist; and now tie that in with being a slow processor on the serious stuff. What does that leave me? Drafts! I’m still not 100% sure that I can accurately express the thoughts that I’ve written thus far. Yet, also, do I believe them? So they are sitting there in my draft pile. Just staring at me. Mocking me. Goading me. Challenging me. To open my heart, to believe, to tell the truth, to learn more, to think more, to process more, to laugh and be silly more, and most importantly, to be.
I’m a mess. A beautiful mess; but a mess, nonetheless. Hey, that rhymed. I’m a poet and didn’t know it. (Ha, see what I did there?) But I digress, I’m learning to embrace that fact that I am a mess. Not as something to look down on or to work toward being better. But i’m learning to be honest about what is real and what is the facade. Life is a beautiful mess full of learning’s, hurts, pain; but yet, still so full of joy, hope, happiness, love and grace. Being a mess isn’t a bad thing. Embrace the awkward. Embrace the mess. It leaves so much more room to be free.
GRACE!!! The weight on the understanding of this little word, but large amazing gift has been heavy this past week. I’m learning to understand truly what grace is. Not what I want it to be, nor what I believe in my, often times, fleshly driven mind. But what God means when He freely and openly extends us grace. It’s BIG, y’all. And wonderfully heavy. And, oh so beautiful. I can’t even fathom it. There’s a reason they wrote a song about the amazingness of grace. It’s unexplainable; and i’m starting to feel the weight of the gift of it. I’m learning to swim in this ocean of grace. And it feels good. It’s scary because I don’t feel worthy of it. But that’s the point. It’s GRACE!!!! And has nothing to do with me or my feelings. Grace. Grace. And more, grace!!!
I’ve felt the need to be silent lately. I know, a shocker. Me? Silent? But, in life I tend to fill the uncomfortable deep achy space with chatter and build a fake world that I masquerade as truth in order to avoid. To be robotic in my, “everything is alright!”, and “It’s all okay!” cadence with a plastered fake smile. I don’t have that in me right now. Silence seems best. Silence is also loud and screaming at me. But, silence, I’m wanting to embrace it. Because should I open my mouth it would unleash an exodus of hurt, pain, sorrow and recklessness. Right now, the uncomfortableness of life hurts and sorrows is ugly and not fun. But it’s also refining me. Molding me and shaping me in to who God wants me to be. I love it and I hate it all at the same time. So, for now, silence is best. It’s not you, it’s me.
Hurting people, hurt people. Generally the ones they love the most. It makes no sense, but it’s there. Take it for what it is. It’s true. It’s true of you. And it’s true of me. I’ve been praying that God would show me how to embrace and accept His agape love; and then show me how to lavish it on others. Even when I hurt and don’t feel so loving. More so, when I hurt. Because then it’s authentic. When you have the ability to love during the dark and hurting spaces of your own life…I think you are beginning to truly understand and function in what love is and what it should look like. The unconditional love of Christ. Loving at ALL times. Not just when it’s convenient. We say it like a broken record…that we love at all times. But i’m learning we don’t. In theory we do. In our hearts we want to. Our minds repeat it as truth. But we don’t. Because when we hurt, we hurt others. I’ve been seeking to love fully, truly and honestly. Especially in my hurts. Because that’s when you will get the truth of my love because it comes as a sacrifice and takes effort. It takes me going beyond myself. I have more to say about this subject, but for now I must stop.
I have permission to live and move forward. Regardless of my past. Regardless of my mistakes. God loves me. He wants me to live. Letting light into the darkness so the enemy can’t keep me shamed or doubting. I am embracing that permission to live, even when things still look jumbled and not perfectly settled. I have permission to live.
Oh how He loves me.
Oh how He loves YOU!
Oh how He loves us.