• Listening: Birds singing, crickets chirping and the leaves on trees rustling as I sit on the patio at the Rudd’s. Oh and I think a firework just went off. I hope it was a firework anyway!!  
  • Eating: Cinnamon sugar tortilla 
  • Drinking: Gin & Tonic, my new favorite go to drink
  • Wearing: Barebones T-shirt and comfy-loose-baggy-get lost in them-sweatpants
  • Feeling: Calm, pensive
  • Weather: 78 degrees and mostly cloudy ~~ Why the patio is heaven right now
  • Wanting: a hot stone massage, and to dream again
  • Needing: a lot more Jesus and someone to talk to
  • Thinking: I’m always thinking…my brain NEVER stops ~~ but right now, present thoughts are directed towards Halen’s baby shower tomorrow and about journaling my thoughts (so i’m not always thinking…i’ve got to get this balanced) and my prayers. 
  • Enjoying: The lightening that brightens the dark sky and having time to myself in the silence ~~ well, silence with the symphonic sounds of birds, crickets and leaves
  • Reading: “Step of Faith” from the walk series 

Emotions: Grief (the beginning)

I’ve been reading “The Walk” series with Kelly. It’s basically about a physical, emotional, and spiritual journey of a man who lost everything–literally, everything; and how he deals with those losses and moves forward. I’ve enjoyed them and am in the middle of book 4 in the 5 book series. Recently, I was reading a section where he was dealing with grief. And it opened my eyes up to an area in my life where I realize that even though i’ve forgiven, dealt with the outcome of certain losses and disappointments in my life, I still have some hurts from them that are larger than they should be. And after I read the quote on grief, I understood why.

“Grief isn’t a luxury, it’s an appropriate response to loss.
You don’t just will it away. If you allow it to run it’s course, it will fade with time,
but if you ignore it or pretend it didn’t exist, it only gets worse.”

After reading that, I had one of those Oprah ‘aha moments’ she always talks about. You know, when the light bulb comes on and it just clicks in your soul. I realized that even though I’ve gone through prayer and forgiveness for some hurts and losses that I’ve experienced in my life, I never truly dealt with the grief of the experience. I’m one of those people known as a “stuffer” with my own* feelings. I start experiencing the feeling, then stuff it down and slap on a little bandaid over the wound and go on. Basically, I smile and say, “it’s all alright” and ignore it. And while that has been a great survival technique for these many years of my life, let’s just say…it’s caught up with me. And grief is demanding to be felt and walked through. Yuck! But, I see that grief is indeed an appropriate response to loss. Whatever those losses may be: death, job, friends, family, even loss of self. The list of loss can go on and is so individual to each of us; but the point is, loss is loss and there is a grief that comes and must be dealt with from our losses and hurts. And it’s important that we face it and walk through the stages of grief so that we can move forward. More importantly, we allow it to run its course, so it doesn’t grow and fester and become worse. It will always catch up with you.

I’m trying to work through these emotions of grief. I’ve ignored them for so long. This is a long road, but one I’m ready and willing to go through. Though it hurts, at times more than the pain that first got it there, I know that this is the best step for me to truly move forward in freedom. Not sure where I’ll go from here, other than experience it in its full depth and authenticity. Easier said than done, but I’m ready to start. I’m sure I will be revisiting grief again in future blog posts as I walk out this part of my journey.

*I can feel for you all day long, but dealing with myself and what i’m feeling inside…that’s scary stuff.